I'm Dreaming of a (not) White Christmas

By: Steve Manes , Contributing Writer
In: Uncategorized, Home Improvement Tips, Old House Musings, Garden And Lawncare, Technology

Thanksgiving is over, the final relative flew out this morning and you can finally relax and enjoy what my friend expressed as the confusing and bewildering silence of a house back to normal.   Just as you flopped on the couch with the last of the turkey and stuffing, you remembered what you have to do today.   That’s right, it’s time to haul the Christmas stuff out of the attic.

Just untangle that big, wadded-up ball of outdoor Christmas lights and slap them right up there, Bucky.  Forget about how you swore last year that you’d never, ever again mount your lights without at least testing them first.   Well, that was last year and, besides, when it comes to holiday Christmas decorations, “no guts, no glory” is as seasonal as “walking in a winter Lumberland”.  You could spend three hours looking for the dead bulbs or you could do the recovering economy a big favor and hit the home store for some new lights.

One thing though: please consider something other than white mini-lights.   I admit that I don’t have the most Yuletide of spirits but even for a Grinch like me white Christmas lights have all the good tidings of a corporate office park and about as much comfort and joy as my 60-watt desk lamp.   White Christmas lights don’t say Christmas to me.  They say, “Co-op Sales Office: Lobby Level”.

Post-modern Christmas tree?  Or strategic nuclear missile warhead?

Post-modern Christmas tree? Or strategic nuclear missile warhead?

I realize that it’s a matter of taste and that I’ll get mail on this.   I had an argument with someone from the neighborhood last year who held the totally opposite opinion.  He said that colored Christmas lights reminded him of a funky old trailer park.   (I wanted to point out that those places are popular with WHITE trash, but thought that might be too argumentative.)   He said he was proud that he had convinced almost everyone on his block to use white lights to make one large and coherent Christmas statement.   For me, his block was as festive as a landing strip and the statement it made to me was, “Like, I was at Saks this weekend and they had the most totally delicious winter display of Ferragamo anaconda leather boots…”

Holidays have colors, you know.   Maybe I haven’t been paying attention but when did Christmas become synonymous with white?   Orange and black is for Halloween, green is for St Paddies Day, red, white and blue are of course Independence Day, pink is for Valentines Day, and red and green are for Christmas.   White is for weddings and under-cabinet lighting!  You know this.  Besides, we northern folks already have plenty of white on Christmas.  It’s called snow.

I can appreciate it if you’re the procrastinating type who doesn’t get around to striking his outside holiday displays until spring.   After all, then you can leave those white lights twinkling until next June and people will just think you’re a restaurant or something.   But what’s next?  Wrapping Christmas gifts in plain white deli paper?  Dressing Santa in business casual?  A Fourth of July with only white fireworks?

Santas Christmas Village?  Or a Kuwaiti oil refinery?

Santa's Christmas Village? Or a Kuwaiti oil refinery?

All I’m saying is, I think we could celebrate the rich cultural and religious diversity of our country during glad tidings season with something better than a soulless white light bulb and making our houses look like Tavern On The Green.

Next issue: Christmas inflatables.